Torchwood Rules and Rgulations
by Just-Me-Izzy's-terror-twin
Summary: To quote Captain Jack Harkness "It does exactly what it says on the tin". Just something for fun in case you want to apply for the new job, a rules and regulations book which every big company has.


We all are well aware of how the new employees hate the 'Rules and Regulations' books which every big company hands upon starting work. However we do ask you to look carefully through it in an event should you become a Torchwood employee. It is very important for the Safety and Security at the work place and for yours and the other's sanity. The rules are divided in sections, unfortunately not in any particular order of importance, because our administrator had to also chase a Weevil while creating this list.

**Ethics at the work place:**

Should you wish to play a music in the Hub, you cannot play 'Who Wants to Live Forever', 'My Immortal', 'I'll Sleep When I'm Death' or 'Doctor Doctor'(anywhere around Jack), as well as, 'Zombie' and 'Staying Alive' (anywhere around Owen), is unethical….You know let's just stick to Glen Miller.

You are not to invite Ianto to watch with you the movie 'Simone' no matter that Jack wanted you to socialise with the team. It's cruel.

You are not to exchange Jack's sugar for cyanide just to make a practical joke. Yes, he can't die, is still unethical.

When Jack starts his lecture of how in the 21st century is where everything changes, you cannot start to hum or sing 'Changes'. Is Ianto's job. As it is his job to sing 'Ghost Busters' when Jack send you to investigate ghosts in the Cardiff Castle.

You cannot initiate a lockdown of the base just to make a point.

You cannot use Jack for target practice, is inhuman.

You also cannot ask him, if that's the event that starts the changing in 21st century, he doesn't remember. He is over 2000 years old.

**Does and Don'ts when you work for Torchwood.**

You are not allowed to shoot your boss because you are angry or jealous. Only if you suspect that he is a shape shifter alien, or he wants to take over the world.

You cannot shoot your colleagues just to make a point.

Letting John Hart sell the Millennium Centre to aliens, because he is smokin' hot…is not a valid reason. Neither is the 50% from the profit that he offered you.

Don't let John Hart kiss you. Admittedly his kiss is good, is not to die for. (Ok Gwen says it is, she should know).

Do not mess with the rift, it isn't worth the paper work.

You are not allowed to wear shirt with the message 'Vote for Saxon' they are cool I know, but Jack doesn't like them.

You can't use reatcon on everyone who's been to Justin Beiber concert. We catch aliens, we are not a charity.

**Things to know about the team and the aliens.**

No Ianto is not a Time Lord or any other alien in any shape or form. He does not have wings, an old broken and forgotten fob watch. His stop watch is not a disguised fob watch. He also is not related in any way, shape or form to the Doctor or the Master. So you can't ask Owen to test him to check this out. He already had.

And no, Ianto is not the Doctor's next regeneration; neither is he the Master's.

Lady Ga Ga, Alice Cooper and Justin Beiber are NOT aliens. We have checked.

Ianto is not immortal, Jack didn't bring him back after the 456 with a kiss, and neither had he managed to make him accidently immortal by saving him with blood transfusion. Jack's immortality isn't sexually transmitted, if it was half of the population would have caught it.

Yes, Jack can get pregnant. No you are not allowed to ask him to get himself knocked up by Ianto just to prove it.

Don't bring your boyfriend/ girlfriend in the Torchwood Hub because they will not be able to leave intact. Unless you are Gwen, then you can keep Rhys because you are special. (No pun intended.)

The dressing cod is freestyle. A uniform would mean you have to obey the rules and commands of your commanding officer, and no one in Torchwood Three does it. Especially if they are called Gwen Cooper.

**On training**

Having a previous training as an officer or combat is not mandatory. Most of the Cardiff employees don't know what they are doing anyway, and they still manage to look sexy while saving the world, after they had almost blown it of course. The only requirement is that you look awesome and manage to cock up at least one mission. If you are called Gwen you can do it more often and be forgiven.


End file.
